By Christabelle… @CBellesCloset
So…as you know…I don’t hold back my opinion – I am an Aries after all. If you follow me on twitter, you are cognitive of the fact that sometimes I have a sharp fingertip towards those who ride the rails with me. You know who you are subway-farter-in-my-face-on-the-1-train downtown and salmon-entree-eating-girl-on-the-1-train back uptown. FYI – consider yourselves lucky that my road-rage is of the written kind.
I have tried to be kind about my social media gripes…sweetly keying “Social Media Etiquette Offenders (SMEO)” to cut-the-crap – in a very gentle and loving manner. I have made excuses for you…perhaps you didn’t know better…”Social Media – isn’t that a cookie?” (Note from CC: no, that is Social Tea and furthermore, it is a biscuit)…”Can I follow your twats?” (Note from CC: umm…no, you cannot and I am offended)…”Can we be friends on ‘FaceSpace’?” (Note from CC: there are no notes I can make without being cruel). And for those of you who actually find nothing off about the above mentioned quotes, my top 8 does not apply to you (though I do recommend investing in Social Media For Dummies…”FaceSpace“ does not exist and I don’t want you anywhere near my “twats”).
But this IS for you, if you are reading this blog – the back-end demographic data just doesn’t lie.
1. Facebook Check-In:
Why are you checking in at home? Seriously…did you just pull your iPhone out as you unlocked your front door, to CHECK INTO YOUR APARTMENT?? Unless you live someplace fabulous, like the Taj Majal, The Magic Kingdom or Casa Casuarina, the famed South Beach mansion once owned by Italian designer Gianni Versace.. Stop. Shouldn’t you be turning your alarm off…or cooking dinner…or tending to your family…or peeing? STOP. No one cares you are home – except maybe your parents. Call them and tell them your house keys work. They are the only ones who care and will be elated to hear from you.
2. Facebook Like Button:
This is for all you trigger happy LBPs (Like Button Pushers)…the Like Button is for things you REALLY like. When you hit the “thumbs up” button on everything on my page, your opinion becomes null and void. You aren’t Fonzie…over thumbing is weird. And also…when you randomly “like” a photo on my page that is older than 3 months – specifically if you are an acquaintance or friend of a friend – you have just red-alerted me that you are FBS (Facebook Stalking). STOP. Before I take that thumb and shove it where the sun don’t shine.
3. Facebook Pokes:
Stop. Just stop. You are annoying, FFF…”former FB friend”. Poke that.
4. Facebook Photo Albums:
Zuckerberg should make a rule about how many self-portraits in your bikini/board shorts, frolicking on the beach/in the pool you are permitted to upload. It is in Layman’s terms – self righteous. I am not talking about a few random shots in your water-sports attire – nor am I talking about the photos from your honeymoon, or weekend down the shore or even your modeling shots for your comp cards. I am talking about the albums, on your personal (not professional) FB page that you created and fully dedicated to YOU. We already think that your body is your best asset…now we are fully aware that YOU THINK SO TOO!
Disclaimer: please note, this does NOT apply to those of you who fall under the “celebration” category (lost weight, beat a disease, just got divorced, and revenge on ex’s who FBS). Obviously, if your body is your career, you are also exempt (i.e. professional body builders, actors, models etc.).
This is for the egocentric bunch…you think so much about yourself, the rest of us don’t need to anymore. You are precisely the person who just said to themselves “oh, I don’t do that“. Yes. Yes you do. And for the love of God – STOP.
5. Facebook Page Status:
Get a blog – they are free at WordPress.com and Blogger.com. STOP posting page long tirades regarding your political, religious and social views as your STATUS. It’s not that I don’t want to read what you have to say, I just don’t want you to deepthroat your opinions in my personal space (i.e. my FB homepage) . You are taking up valuable feed real estate. I missed the announcement about “something more important” because it was shadowed by your journaling via “post a status”. Got a quick opinion – by all means – post it. It is the First Amendment after all. Keep all War and Peace jargon for your BLOG – and maybe post a link, so I have the choice of whether or not to read it. This also applies to post break-up angst – save it for the bar, where your friends actually have ALCOHOL to deal with listening to it. Guess what, you just got removed from my feeds. Just because you get 63k free characters to use, does not, in any way suggest or invite you to step upon your soap box for the entire afternoon. As a point of reference, this entire blog post – from start to finish is 8601 characters.
6. Twitter TBC:
First of all, a “thumbs up” to twitter and the up to 140 character post rule. See…we CAN get our point across short and sweet. And that is what you should be doing. STOP with your “TBC in the next tweet” tweets … GET A BLOG (if you don’t know how – see gripe #5 – clearly you missed something – tweet me when you get it straight @CBellesCloset). The Twitter bird just died from over-the-limit-character asphyxiation.
You are probably the same people who “Check-In” at home on FB. According to Foursquare’s website – “Foursquare helps you and your friends find great places and make the most of your visits”. I do NOT need to know your day-to-day-play-by-play (PS are you looking to get murdered? FYI Manson, Dahmer and Bundy are all following you under pseudonyms). I don’t need to know you are at the gym/grocery store/dry cleaners/Bodega on the corner…I could care less how many badges you earn (you aren’t a 9 year old scout, are you)? If you don’t stop – I will start to check myself in from the following locations: stir-ups from the gyno’s table, tubing insertion at my colonic and my next ear candling visit. Have I made myself clear? What you can’t hear me? Maybe the candling check-in wasn’t such a wacky idea.
I will start by saying that I know MANY happy and successful partnerships that started on Match.com – after all “1 in 5 new relationships now begin on an online dating site.” That being said – when you fit into one of the following bullets – you need to cancel your membership STAT:
- You don’t want to be in a relationship (did you miss the statistic section? 1 in 5!)
- You are already IN a relationship (follow these simple instructions: get in bed, put your head on the pillow, turn left, turn right…is someone with you? Hey genius, you are IN a relationship – this isn’t the hokey pokey)
- and…if you have uttered any of the following sentences like a broken record to multiple people you are scamming on-at the same time:
“I don’t want to date anyone seriously – I am not good for anyone right now…but can I come over anyway?”
“I just can’t be that 100% commitment guy/girl, but can I come over anyway?”
“To be really honest, I am getting over a bad break up and I really don’t want anything to do with the opposite sex…but can I come over anyway?”
Get OFF match.com…You are sitting on a time bomb to the proverbial poo hitting the fan when your profile is discovered. I realize you went through all that trouble because you were looking for anonymity…but I guess I must be the next Sherlock Holmes (I do look damn good in an Inverness cape-coat after all)! How else would I know about your public profile on the world’s largest dating network (13M unique visitors per month), with a paid highlighted profile, using your real name and “Online Now” flashing under it 24/7. Maybe I have a shot being a CIA agent? Is Obama hiring for the Secret Service? Can I be a member of MIB if I am a chick – call me “C”?
Stop. Seriously…before someone posts all about it on her blog and calls you out on your shenanigans. Snap…she already did.
Now go brush up on SOCMED101 or stop bitching you have no friends.
I am still laughing! Loved reading this – thanks for posting!
Thanks for taking a moment to read my snarky word vomit…glad you enjoyed it!
Saw this on a friends FB page……took a moment to read it….absolutely hysterical! Thanks for the mid afternoon laughs.
Jen- SO happy I was able to offer you a mid-afternoon chuckle. You are SO sweet to take the time to show your appreciation for the post. Share the laughs and feel free to pass along to your friends or post on your own pages/tweets and what nots. We need to STOP SEOs, lol. Happy weekend!
How is this not on the front page of yahoo? comical genius. thank you for letting me know I am NOT the crazy one.
Thanks Mark! I wish it was on the front page of Yahoo – thanks for taking the time to post. Happy Tuesday!
are you going to de-friend me if I give it “thumbs up”? hahaha thanks for posting, christabelle – i think I might want to date you, your wit is unprecedented.
Just sent you an email – want to talk to you about re-publishing these tips…with major national news outlet. Please contact me
Thanks, John! Glad you enjoyed them xo, christabelle
Hahahaha! This cracks me up!! I do know way too many people like that though… scary as that sounds!! Thanks for the entertaining post.
OMG I totally can’t stand the people that do these things! Personally I don’t need people stalking me everywhere I go. Think I used foursquare about 3 times or less before I decided that it wasn’t for me. Also I can’t understand why people need to ‘Like’ every last thing they see. Drives me crazy! I really don’t want to see every last update from Tide or some other random company in my timeline every time they make a post about a special offer or other such nonsense.